i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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