He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
A bitchslap is in order.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
