the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
