She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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