After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You are a genius and a whore.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
