I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
