Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
