Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize