I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
