My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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