ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
