There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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