someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
