I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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