I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
