You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
When are your genitals available?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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