ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Randomize
