I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
