dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
