Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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