my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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