when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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