Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
