I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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