Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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