***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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