I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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