I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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