Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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