remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
