I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
