My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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