Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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