We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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