does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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