The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
