Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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