she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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