and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
