If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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