nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
