i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Floor bacon is actually really good
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
