I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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