My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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