my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
