How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
