You made me cry and you don't even care
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
