i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
