My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
