not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
