Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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