I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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