My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
