so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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