maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
