I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
