Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
